Staring at the Sun
by TurtleLover4
Summary: Michaelangelo reflects on his family and how they've helped make him who he is as a person


sun.html

**Staring at the Sun**

_A short fic by Dawnatello_

  


  


_I'm not the only one  
Staring at the sun  
Afraid of what you'd find  
If you took a look inside _

I'm not just deaf and dumb  
Staring at the sun  
Not the only one  
Who's happy to go blind... 

- "Staring at the Sun" by U2 

  


"Don't stare directly at the sun, Michaelangelo. You could go blind." 

"Yeah, yeah, Donnie...I've heard it all before..." 

"Seriously though, Mike. The UV radiation can contribute to any number of ocular complications like photokeratitis, cataracts..." 

Donatello went on and on for several minutes, but I ignored him. Laying on my back like this under the open sky, basking in the light and heat of the day was a rare treat, and I wasn't about to let anything ruin it for me. In fact, I figured that I could lay here in the cool grass all day long, just staring up at the bright orb of the sun until my eyes burned and my vision faded to blackness, and I'd still be content. 

There was just something about the sun that always seemed to calm my edginess and soak up all of the pain that I buried deep inside my subconscious. 

"...pterygium...macular degeneration of the retina..." 

Donatello's voice began to fade into the distance as I continued to gaze up into the clear blue sky. I had to squint, the light was so bright, yet still, I refused to remove my eyes from it. 

Maybe Donatello was right. Or maybe I had already gone blind, refusing to see things for what they really were. My brothers have always called me The Optimist. They say I can make the best out of _any_ situation. I know the real name for my rare outlook on life is called repression--covering my feelings, molding them to take the shape of what I want them to be. But _why_ do I do this? Why do I refuse to see life for what it really is? I dunno...maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm worried that if I allow my problems to get to me, there will be no one left to pull things together when times are at their worst. Or perhaps I just don't like the emotions that pain brings. Maybe I'd rather look at the world through rose-colored glasses, creating a wonderful fantasy world all my own. It's negligent, I'll admit, but when you live a life like mine, you can't help but suppress some of the awful stuff. Otherwise, you're likely to go insane. Splinter says that's what makes me such a great writer--my ability to shape circumstances into whatever I see fit. 

Splinter's great that way. He always encourages us to overcome and succeed. It's been a rough life, living in solitude, watching the world above--all of the noise and lights and people coming and going...and not being able to be a part of it. My brothers and I have suffered through many heartaches and many nights of physical and emotional pain. We've dedicated our lives to restoring my master's honor, and to fighting for our very survival. 

But Splinter has seen us through it all. I can't remember a time in my life when he wasn't there when I needed him. He's just always been...he's the one constant in a life of never-ending change and confusion. I owe my life to him--not only because he's saved mine on more than one occasion, but because of his unending, selfless love. 

Splinter adopted my brothers and I when we were only infants--normal turtles that had ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. He didn't know back then that the substance we'd fallen into had been mutagen. He hadn't realized how it would change us all. All he knew was that we were helpless creatures worth saving. It made no difference that we were a completely different species from his own. Splinter carried no prejudice or selfishness. From that day on, he'd given of himself completely, taken us in as his own children. He _is_ my father, now and always. 

Sometimes, I can't help but feel guilty for all the worry and heartache we've put him through over the years. But I can see in his eyes that if he was given the opportunity to do it all over again, he wouldn't change a thing. And that's what parents are really--someone to guide you through life, to oversee your decisions and make sure you follow the correct path--someone who loves you unconditionally and without reservation. He's been my teacher, my mentor and my friend. He's given me a set of morals. He's taught me to believe in myself. I know I could search the world over and never find a better father. And yet...that was simply not enough. Because despite my skill at suppressing emotions and burying unpleasant thoughts where I would never again find them, one idea kept creeping to the surface--who is my mother? 

As a youngster, first learning to walk and talk, I really hadn't considered the possibility of anyone missing from my life. I couldn't remember back far enough to the time before Splinter had found us. Heck, I couldn't even remember the boy Chet (Splinter had heard his mother call him that) who'd accidentally dropped us down into the sewer that fateful day. There was nothing missing from my life. I was perfectly happy and content, and always seeking the approval of my master. 

And then, one day, we were watching television... 

"Master Splinter...what's a mommy?" 

Splinter halted in his katas and looked at me intently. A moment of silence passed before he approached me slowly, sinking down next to me on the couch. 

He cleared his throat as I stared up at him eagerly. "A mother...is the person who gives birth to a child." 

"Are you my mommy, Splinter?" 

He fought back a smile. "No, my son. I am more of a...surrogate father. I take care of you like a mother would, but I am not female." 

"Female...like that woman on tv?" I pointed toward a dark haired lady in a long red dress cradling an infant in her arms. 

"Yes, like her." 

"Splinter...?" 

"Yes, Michaelangelo..." 

"Do _I_ have a mommy?" 

He hadn't really known what to say to that. Of course I'd had a mother. Clearly women were the only ones able to give birth. Without her, I wouldn't be here. But who was she? What was her name? Where had she come from? These were questions he could not answer. 

Since that day, thoughts of her have repeatedly snuck their way into my subconscious. Who was my mother? Was she a nice person? What did she look like? I bet she was beautiful. I wondered what beach she'd laid her eggs on, how closely she'd watched over us. If she saw me again, would she remember me? Were my brothers really her children too? Did I have other siblings I had no recollection of? So many things could be answered if I could just _find_ her. 

I had to wonder what would have happened--how my life would be different if she had been mutated with me. Would she look and act like me then? What was her personality like? I could only imagine her to be as caring and nurturing as Splinter had always been. 

Sure, I know that normal turtles in the wild leave their offspring to fend for themselves once the eggs are hatched. But perhaps if she'd gotten to know me...maybe if she could see the kind of person I'd turned out to be...she would have never left. Maybe if she knew where I was, she'd return to me. Again, my mind began to create a fantastical scenario in which my mother became a mutant turtle and came to find us. I would find out that my brothers were all her children too. And sometimes, the scene would play differently, and I'd be the only one who was truly her son. In that fantasy, I was special. I had a sense of identity, something to set me apart from the others. 

I had to wonder too how Splinter would take to her. They were probably fairly close in age. Would they fall in love? Would I actually be able to have a normal family like all of those people on television? Like Shadow with April and Casey? 

Sometimes, I laid awake at night wondering about my past, about how things were before I'd left the comforting warmth of my mother, the free, fresh air of the beach. I wasn't really sure who I truly was deep inside. Without my mother, how could I know my true origin? I longed for that sense of identity, that knowledge. 

But then, when I think about it hard enough...when I allow myself to grasp the true greatness of my current situation, I realize that maybe it doesn't really matter much anyway. I never really knew my mother. And that would not have changed if I'd never been mutated. She'd left us. It was the way of nature. And because I'd never known her, I would never know what it was that I was actually missing out on. 

What I _can_ fathom is what my life might be like without Splinter. If he'd never found us, we would probably be wandering aimlessly through the sewers, with no education and no skills for survival. In fact, we probably wouldn't even be _alive_. It pains me to think this way, but I know it's the truth. Heck, we might not even be living anymore if we'd never left the comfort of the beach. There are plenty of animals in the water that are much bigger and hungrier than we used to be. 

But Splinter rescued us. He took us in when no one else would. He's guided us, given us a home and a family. I don't know what I'd do without his love and direction. And my brothers...does it really matter if we never find out the truth about our relation to one another? Aren't we brothers now, no matter what? Like Splinter, they've always been there. We are a team, a family, and no force on earth can tear that apart. 

And I guess that's what's _really_ important--the love and bond we all share. We may be different, outcasts of society, but we share something that many people don't--a connection so strong it can never be torn down. 

Yes, I still think about my mother sometimes. I probably always will. But maybe it's better not knowing. I'll never have to live with the disappointment if she turned out to be different from what I've fantasized about her all these years. Instead, I can live with my own made-up memories of what she is like and who she is. And that's what I do best, after all, isn't it? Forever the optimist, as Raphael always says. 

Again, I felt contentment wash over me as I lay in the warmth of the sun. The cool grass was tickling at my ankles and shoulders, making my skin itch, but I didn't care. 

"Michaelangelo...?" I heard Splinter's kind voice calling out to me and I couldn't help but smile. 

I rose my head a little, turning my eyes from the glare of the sun just in time to see the water balloon hit me square in the face. As I sputtered and rose to my feet to chase after whoever it was that attacked me, I caught site of Splinter rushing quickly toward the trees. My brothers were standing around, laughing so hard they could hardly stand. 

A grin spread across my face as I headed toward the trees. Even after all of these years, my father still never ceases to surprise me. 

  


**The End**

  


  


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